UGA TOMA PALOOTUK…That, according to my Star Trek dictionary is Klingon for ‘how’s your onion?’ [‘Onion’ in Klingon is another word for the male organ * check last weeks’ column] The very clever Klingon comeback would be “NOGA POOKA TAKALONTEEPUK!” which roughly translates to ‘strong enough to make your eyes water!” While we may look down on this as low grade humor, in the Klingon Empire you’d have ’em on their knees. Which, I guess, leads me to this weeks’ column. I don’t want to sound like that complaining pain in the ass you might have decided to spend your life with but jeezus can you people ever get enough sex. I mean I like it too but here I am trying to make you laugh and god forbid I try and throw in a scientific nugget or two [my ‘BIGFOOT THRUOGH THE AGES’ column comes to mind] but what do you people want? SEX..SEX..SEX!…IT’S ALWAYS LIKE ‘MIKE DID YOU EVER BANG SHANNON DOHERTY’.. or ‘MIKE, WHAT ABOUT THAT GIRL WHO PLAYED THE SISTER ON FAMILY TIES..DID YOU EVER GET HER?’ or ‘MIKE, TELL US WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE SEX.’ Well you’ve finally worn me down. I’m through hiding the scandalous details of my past. You want it? Well open up cause now you’re going to get it. But don’t be surprised if it still leaves you wanting. After all no matter how much fun I might say it was to ‘bang’ let’s say..Sharon Stone [she was on the phone the whole time with Morty, her agent–I ended up helping her get a 6 figure deal], how does that translate into fun for you? But anyhow if this is the crap you want, I wont argue. So here they are in no particular order, the famous people [mostly from the 80s] Ive done it with [ I know youre not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, but I didnt know how else to]. Shannon Dohertycute but very bitchy, okay I sometimes like rough sex too but she once hit me with a hammer. Another time she tried to sneak a staple gun into bed. Kathy Lee Gifford—I know what youre thinking but this was before she married Gifford. She was actually kind of a babe back then. The only problem was she liked to sing during sex and if youve ever heard her voice you know what a distraction it was for me. If only Id thought of earplugs.

Valerie Bertinelli—okay, I feel a little guilty about this one because we were touring with Van Halen and she had just married Eddie. But I was drunk and I think she was well..unconcious. I seem to remember dressing her up like a nun. The Spice GirlsChrist, I dont even remember their names after all this time; Sporty, Cheesey, Lumpy,–I dont know, I just know it was one of the wildest nights of my life.OprahI was drunk and she has a nice voice.Carmen Electrashe was drunk and I have a nice voice. Mother Theresaokay this is a tough one to admit, after all when I met her she was probably at least 75 [although in my defense she could have passed for 65] but I was in the midst of a panic concerning my possible contraction of a sexually transmitted disease. Although this turned out not to be true, at the time I thought it only proper [and hopefully therapeutic] to place my penis [medical term for the male organ] in a holy place. And honestly, and maybe this is the hardest to admitshe wasnt half bad. Lady Di—[before the car crash, just to shut up you creeps who think my only shot would have been after] one of the sweeetest lights ever to burn on the planet. She almost turned Elton John straight thats the kind of babe were talking about. But unlike her butler, I will say no more. The girl who played the sister on Family TiesI bet you cant remember her name either and all I know is it happened but not much else. George Steinbrenners wifeThats right, the wife of the owner of the Yankees baseball team [otherwise known as the evil empire]. I found out [through a friend] that she had a thing for moderately successful rock singers from the Boston area. You Red Sox fans will be happy to know that I got her to say all kinds of crazy things while we were going at it[Yankees suck!!I love Nomar!!]

That woman who does the kid shows on the spanish channel—Ya the blond one with the short skirtokay so she made me dress up like a bumble bee and buzz around the room, but damn, it was worth it! Your momokay Im only kidding but thats what you get when you start looking into other peoples lovelifes. Everyone is someones mother, daughter, or sisterbuzzkill.. Damn, maybe we should try mating with another spiecies, then wed be free to do the nasty things we must [Tubes].Until next time, keep those window shades pulled down,.mike