Originally Posted in June....or maybe July of 2004
huh....where am I?---...%#&***!!? what--? all I remember is seeing a bright light---and then nothing----except maybe a probing and then the sense that my ass was sore. No it wasn't a drunken night in P-town---I was abducted damnit!!! THAT'S the reason I haven't spoken to you since May 30 or whenever the hell it was---I was abducted by aliens -----and probed!!!! Have you no sympathy!!?? I thought you were my friends!!! But no---you question my integrity and act as if I would do or say anything just to explain my absence......Okay...I know you're not buying it but jeez I really did mean to get back to you before now. It's just that sometimes life gets in the way of our plans (J.Lennon) and there ain't nuthin you can do about it but throw some shit against the wall and see if it sticks(M.Girard). So where was I all that time? Well last month I attended the 'Running of the bulls' in Spain although, due to last years' achilles injury, I was unable to run. I was however still able to drink, in spite of last years' shoulder injury (thank the lord--I have two arms). Then it was off to the Arctic Circle for the annual ceremony welcoming in the summer solstice. Who knows why I yearly get involved in this one, except that it's always fun to see Jet-setters from all over the world freezing their nuts off. And finally it was off to Bora-Bora in the south pacific for a week of rest and exotic sandwiches (ever have a goat cheese and sand truffle on toasted jigberry rye?). Let me tell you it was well worth the trip. So there you have it - I live a fast expensive life with no thought toward tomorrow. What's it cost ---?---who cares---I'll buy it. And it's all gone quite well until recently when frankly the money thing has started to become an issue. According to my accountant, I am well in arrears on a number of important payments. This was shocking news to me and I did what any sane person would do---I fired my accountant. As it turns out though, he was telling the truth--I am in fact having some serious financial difficulties. And so it's come to this: in an attempt to pull myself out of these rough financial straights I am now in the uncomfortable position of having to sell the only thing I have control over--me. What I am about to present to you is a proposition, or if you will, a series of propositions. Think of it as a yard sale at my house, with one exception--everything you buy includes me. Check it out: maybe you always wanted to hang out with me, well now you can for $100.00 an hour (2 hr. minimum), or maybe you want me to come to your house and sing a song just to you--$100.00 a song (2 song minimum, songs sung in underwear $100.00 extra per song). Or what if you want me to pose as a good friend of yours so you can impress your friends? Well this can happen for the unbelieveable price of only $1000.00 a day (8 hr. maximum). Or even better, maybe you'd like to take me to some excellent but expensive restaurant that you've been nervous about going to ($500.00 and you pick up the tab) -maybe because you wouldn't know how to order a fine wine or read a french menu. Well you'll be delighted to learn that although I only speak one language (english in case you're wondering), I am able to read a menu in at least 10 different languages and order alcohol in all of them. I probably even know the Maitre'd and the head chef of most places you'd want to go to. Now if you really want to live it up and shoot the works (hang time, songs, underwear, 8 hr.day, nice restaurant) it can all be yours for the unbelieveably low price of only $5000.00 (12 hr. maximum). But wait there's more!! How would you like me to write a rock song just for you (original tune with your name included in the lyrics, 3 verse, 2 chorus maximum, only $10,000.00). Think of it--your own personal rock song written for you by a legitimate rock legend. I'm sure that there's more stuff I'd be willing to do for money but for now let's just bask in the glow of my brilliant, new, save my ass, money making idea. So until next time, when I'm sure you'll be looking at me with dollar signs in your eyes and love in your hearts.........adios amigos......Mike
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