Posted April 24th 2004
Give me a long enough lever and a place to put a fulcrum and I'll move the earth...' this famous quote Fools fans, made by the Greek mathematician Elementus Maximus, illustrates a very basic principle that we can boil down to it's essential point : big stuff works real good sometimes for doing stuff. Hi again my friends......the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and baseball is back!! If you're not a Sox fan hang on-I'm not going to make this a sports rant (it'll actually sex related). But the start of baseball season once again reminds me of how resilliant (or crazy) we Sox fans are. Our spines were crushed like baby seals last fall, and yet we return once again this spring like rabid young wolverines 'Come on...bring it on...we'll beat all of you bastards!!' Are we cool or what?? You'd have to be from Mars not to appreciate this kind of human insanity. But having said that, you'll be stunned to hear that I'm thinking that this could really be the year. But enough of that -let's get to the good stuff. In the near 10 years that I've been doing this column, it's come to my attention that you people like two things: sex, and secrets about famous people. So I'm about to deliver on both counts and give you the kind of gravy you crave (you gravy cravers), and that gravy may just be closer to the turkey than you know. What the hell am I talking about you wonder? And are you starting to get hungry? And will I ever stop asking you questions and just get to the friggin point? Okay-here goes. This week I'm going to break a rule and give you some very personal info on a certain band member, or more to the point, a certain band members' member. Although I don't usually 'talk out of school' I'm going to make an exception this time for two reasons. First of all what I'm going to tell you probably won't upset bass player Joe Holaday, and second of all (and more importantly) he's out of town this week so he can't tell me not to. It's never a good idea for any one in the band to leave the rest of us to our own devices for any length of time because, as guitar player Rich Bartlett says,'the one who ain't here get's it.' Drummer Leo Black can attest to this. He once missed a script writing session for one of our videos and returned to discover that we'd written him in as a woman who gets jilted at the altar (those of you who've seen the 'Doo Wah Diddy' video can vouch to this). And poor guitar player Stacey Pedrock; he used to travel abroad quite frequently until the time he returned from a month in Europe to find the front of his house re-done in pink vinyl siding. He now tends to stay a little closer to home. So Joe-maybe it's just your turn. And to be honest, what I'm going to tell you about Joe may be the kind information he wants you all to know but in his own shy way he's unable to say. And here it is: Joe Holaday has an enormous penis. See what I mean, even if he wanted you to know, how could he just walk up to people and say, 'Hi, my name is Joe and guess what? I have an enormous penis.' So maybe I'm actually performing a good deed here and Joe will thank me for it. 'Mike,' he will say, 'thank you for telling everyone about my penis.' You may wonder how I would know such a thing (and don't get any weird ideas about me--I'm as disgustingly hetero as a male can get). It's just that over the years we've had some pretty wild times (did I mention we're a ROCK band!) and in the course of certain band events (like for instance the now legendary 'NAKED EARTH DAY' concert that we played in '92) some things have become apparent. It was that day in particular that caused Joe to be named the 'Milton Berle' of rock n' roll. And of course being the clown that he is, Joe has developed a little comedic routine involving his penis that he saves for special moments. He can ring a doorbell, steer an automobile, and even shoot pool, all without the use of his hands. The legend goes that while in college he once had sex with a woman who was in another room. But lest you think it's all fun and games to have an enormous penis, Joe would be the first to tell that there's also a downside. He can't wear shorts. Golf for him is a dangerous game, and so is leap-frog. And horse back riding is straight out. But even with these drawbacks you won't hear Joe complain. 'I still like my enormous penis' he would probably say. And now that the truth is out you should all feel free to mention it to him the next time you see him. Just walk up to him and say 'Hi Joe, I hear you have an enormous penis.' I'm sure this will make him happy. He is afterall a real life 'Man from Nantucket.' So until next time-enjoy the good weather and we'll see you at the shows.........adios amigos, mike"
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