Posted February 23, 2004
...and on the 5th day god made all the beasts that crappeth in the fields, and all the bugs and birds and things with wings, and all the fish and things with shells that liveth in the water, and the lord said, "Look what I have given you. Now go forth and catch them and eat them, remembering first to cook them, unless of course they are shellfish which you may eateth uncooked, the eating of which shall send fire to your loins and greatly helpeth in the begatting of your multitudes....' [genesis chap. 1]. Heavy stuff huh? We'll get back to that in a minute. Hey fools fans---whassup!? Mike here again pondering the imponderables, [thinking about stuff] and wondering if I will ever get back to making this column a weekly event. Believe me I think about it a lot and wish I could be more prompt with my rantings, but life does get in the way of our plans [said John Lennon] and I don't want to write them just because I'm getting that 'my homework's late' feeling. Anyhow, enough of my whining, let's get on with it. First of all, I'm hoping to see all of you at one of our upcoming shows. We miss hangin' out with you, partly because you people are a lot of fun, but mostly because, like just about everyone in show-biz, we are attention junkies who can't stand being out of the spotlight. 'Look at me!!!' we all seem to say, and rock n' roll screams it louder than any other medium so we thank you for supporting our neurosis; without you who knows what sort of legal and social problems we would get ourselves into. And now to this weeks' subject which, as you may have gathered from the above biblical passage, has to do with animals. More specifically: animals as pets, because let's face it, if we're not catching them or shooting them or eating them or using them for clothes--we're petting them and cuddling them and treating them like royalty. While it's true that generally the cuter the animal the more likely we are to keep it as a pet, why then don't we have baby seals or deer as pets. I think the answer is that we perceive those animals to be stupid. On the other hand, we think of dogs and cats as not only cute but intelligent. They seem to like us and many of them can perform tricks for our amusement. The message here to animals is simple: if you come into this life born a chicken, you better learn to dance or it's Colonel Sanders time. I won't discount the fact that some people [including members of the fools] have exotic pets; Rich has a monkey [named Mike-ha ha very funny Rich], Joe has a tarantula, and Leo has an iguana which, by the way, he has trained to be a sort of watch -dog [tell me you wouldn't crap yourself if you saw a 25 lb. iguana come ripping down the hall at you]. But Stacey has a dog and me, I have a cat. My cat is cool. His name is Dude. I had the shocking realization not long ago that my cat is smarter than I am. 'Big deal Mike you're not that much of a whiz kid-how smart would the cat have to be?' Well smart enough that he's taught me to do tricks. I can fetch [his food, his toys etc.], I can make his dirty litter disappear, and if I'm good at these things, he rewards me; I get to pet him. All in all it's not a bad relationship although he does, at times, seem to take great amusement at my expense. I should mention here that Dude's an indoor cat so you can imagine my concern one day when I came home to find the back door left open and him gone. 'DOOODEY!!!----DOOODEY!!!' I yelled as I made my way in a panic around the neighborhood. Then I saw him dart under the back deck of the house next door. I quickly ran over but the deck was too low for me to crawl under and knowing this Dude sat against the back wall cleaning himself and ignoring me. I then switched to my stern yet angry voice 'DOOODEY!!!---DOOODEY!!! It was while I was there on my hands and knees saying his name loudly and peering under their back deck that I made the acquaintance of my new neighbors. Who knows what kind of nut bin they must have thought I'd escaped from. But I'm happy to say that once explanations were made [and my humiliation was complete] the Dude proudly made his way out from under the deck and allowed me to carry him back home. Because he's my friend, I don't take these occasional lapses in behavior too seriously. After all none of us would have any friends if we held people to too high a standard. Well there you have it: animals-whether you love 'em, pet 'em, admire them from afar,-or hunt them, shoot them, wear them and eat them-it seems that they're here for our enjoyment and in some cases we for theirs. So until next time, be good to your friends, be they 2 legged, 4 legged, 8 legged, scaled, winged or shelled....adios amigos...mike
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