Posted February 2nd 2004

Hello my Foolish yet victorious friends, was that a fun football game or what!? We here at the Fools Mansion are still hoarse and dizzy from that momumental and stupendously satisfying Patriots Super Bowl triumph. And we feel a special kinship with this team of individuals who have been so willing to put aside their own egos in favor of the greater good; no one player placed above any other. That's the same way that we try and do things here in the band. And so we salute you-you selfless bunch; from the very top of the Fools organization, which is probably me, to the very bottom, which is definately Todd the sound guy. As a matter of fact, we'd like to go even farther and give you our ultimate salute---a lifetime pass to any Fools show anywhere anytime [this honor has only been bestowed once before--to Lisa Z, who runs the other Fools website, link there-it's very cool] . By the way, it's probably a little known fact that I once played in The Canadian Football League [for you chronology freaks, this was after my short lived t.v. career and just before The Fools]. I know what you're thinking-'Mike you bullshit artist, you gotta be kidding me! A skinny little geek like you didn't play football!.' To which I reply 'I'm not a geek, and yes I did.' First of all you have to understand that football is quite different up there in Canadia. There are different rules to learn, such as no blocking on punt returns and no using the rubber bat below the waist. 'Rubber bat' you say, 'what the the hell are you talking about? There aren't any rubber bats in football.' And now I ask you-when's the last time you actually watched a Canadian football game? Never, right? Well if you had watched a game you'd notice [amoung other things] that the field is bigger [120 yds. long] and that instead of 11 men on a team, they have 12. And what is that 12th man called? Halfback, fullback, cornerback, tackle? No, he's called the 'interloper' and he's the man with the rubber bat. I know this because, during my short lived stint in Canadian pro football, I was the interloper for the Medicine Hat Prickly Pears [try and fit that name on the front of your hat]. The Pricks [as we were called] had a pretty good team during my one season with them, getting to the playoffs only to lose in the first round to the Calgary Flames ['Flames Burn Pricks' screamed the headlines]. 'But,' you persist,' what the hell does a rubber bat have to do with football?' To answer that question properly we must delve a little deeply into the Canadian psyche. Other than hockey players, how many great Canadian athletes can you name? [Doug Flutie doesn't count--he's ours]. Okay time's up--none right? On the other hand, about 80% of the finest comedians are Canadian. Twirl an expired feline [swing a dead cat] on the set of any Saturday Night Live show during the last 30 years and you were bound to hit at least a couple of very funny canadians. So what am I trying to say about canadians----that they're whimpy and only good for telling jokes? No,no,no! Anyone who's ever seen a hockey game [they don't just allow fighting-they encourage it] knows that there are some tuff sonsabitches up there. And as far as comedians go-if there's a more angry group of people on the planet, I'll tear up my Comedians Locally Affiliated Membership [CLAM] card and poke you in the eye with it. Sorry, I too have anger issues. 'Geezus Mike---will you ever get to the friggin' rubber bat!?' Okay, here goes: The canadians are very funny people who like sports where you can fight. The most violent sport in the world, other than hockey, is football. But fighting in football is not allowed so what did the canadians do? They decided to add a 12th man, dress him like a downhill skier, and hand him a rubber bat. My job as 'interloper' was to wander the field, mostly staying far away from the real action, until the teams lined up at the start of any given play. Once the players got down in their stances the fun began, because I was then free to whomp the other teams' players to my hearts content and much to the delight of the fans.If any player so much as winced during my onslaught an offside penalty was called. Bear in mind that the opposing teams' interloper would also be whomping the living daylights out of my team as well, so you would think that canadian football would be penalty filled. Not so, for two reasons; first-it's an unspoken rule that no interloper should weigh more than 150 lbs.[that's me-hey the players can go as high as 350!], secondly it has become a 'point of honor' not to let the interloper distract you. I like to think that, during my time there, I added a few innovations to the interloper position. The players had become so good at remaining stationary during these attacks that I was forced to improvise. I would sneak up behind a guard or tackle just before a play and yell 'SPIDER!!!', or stand next to the fullback and ask casually 'Is that dogshit over there?' Or better yet, try and imitate the quarterback [except with a lisp]. I got so good at this that eventually a bounty was put on my head by opposing teams. Rather than try and tackle whoever had the ball, certain players, and at times whole teams, would chase me until I reached the relative safety of my sidelines [I say 'relative' because my teamates weren't that crazy about me either...ahh the loneliness of the interloper]. It was after one of these near escapes that I realized that my days of pro ball were numbered and I left Canadia never to return. I often think back on those days with much fondness and yet I'm sure I did the right thing [running away to save my life]. So don't tell me I don't know football, I've played it! So until next time my sports minded friends.....adios amigos...mike