Posted August 11th 2003
Hey there, hi there, ho there, and welcome once again my paranormal friends. Before I start could I ask you a favor? Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads this page. It's okay if you don't (jeez who did I just say that to...if they're not here to read it...) because I'm going to continue writing it anyhow AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME. sorry...but I want to know if you're out there. So if you do read this page (even once in a while) please sign into the guestbook. You don't have to get fuzzy with me (mike you're the funniest friggin guy etc.), just sign in and say -yes I read it. I'll know what you mean. However if you do want to add a little editorial comment--"we need to know more about Richies relatives"...or.."did you ever have ass sex with Deborah Harry" (no..by the way)...or..."how come you never write about Bigfoot" ...please feel free to vent. Afterall we are nothing without you (okay we are but we don't want you to know that). Believe me people..I'm not begging for compliments I just want to know if you're out there. ('This is Lawrence, Kansas..is anybody out there?")........so, enough of that crap...did somebody mention Bigfoot? Oh yea, I did. And last week I promised to do a column on the hairy dude so here goes. First of all you might be interested to know that about 3 out of every 5 people (according to a recent poll) believe in flying saucers. But only about 1 in 5 believe in Bigfoot. And yet a case could be made that there have been more credible Bigfoot sightings than UFO sightings and they occur in just about every part of the world. Most people know about the abominable snowman (or yeti) of the Himalayas and probably the Sasquatch of northern California. But how about the Omah of northern china, or the Yowie of central Australia, or the Orang Pendek (wild man of the forest) of Sumatra. Yup, they're all local names for what we call Bigfoot. And the stories aren't just recent either. People as diverse as Marco Polo (in his China journals) and Merryweather Lewis (of Lewis and Clark fame) talk of encountering tales of 'hairy wildmen.' As a matter of fact, as far as hairy dudes go the b.f. is right up there with Mick Jagger in name recognition and yet most people ain't buyin' it. But that might soon change. Some hairs found after a recent sighting in Sumatra were sent to Cambridge University for testing. There, Dr. Hans Brunner, a world renowned animal hair expert ( what about Vidal Sassoon? ) performed DNA testing on the hairs and found them to be of unknown origin. He did say however that they fell into the primate category. So according to him, what we have running around out there is a large unknown primate. And let's remember this guy (Brunner) works for a world class school (Cambridge) not some humpty-bump school like North Shore Community (where I went). And get this: who do you think was scheduled to speak at a recent Bigfoot symposium?---Jane Goodall ! That's right--the monkey woman (as some have called her) come all the way from Africa to the northern Calif. town of Willow Creek, where the the symposium was held. I've been to Willow Creek and it's a trip. It's a town of about 4000 (you locals think Rowley, Ma.) in northern Calif. and there have been an extraordinary number of b.f. sightings there. There's even an 8 ft. statue of b.f. in the center of the town. It calls itself the Bigfoot capital of the world and just like Area 51, this place has a paranormal pedigree that believers feel is well deserved. But Jane Goodall (what is it about her attraction to gorillas that makes her attractive to me --maybe because I’m hairy too and I think she would be gentle and caring) was not the only heavyweight there. Gleb Koval (sounds like a Russian rock star) of the Moscow based State Darwin Museum also signed on. So while i'm not dissing the UFO folks (after a sighting I’m one myself) it would seem that the mystery of the hairy dude may get solved well before the flying saucer stuff ever does. And why if these big guys are everywhere haven't we, let's say, hit one with a car or train (both have supposedly happened) or shot one (once again, supposedly happened many times)? First of all this guy doesn't just have big feet (if you catch my drift). He's friggin enormous--7-8 ft. tall and 400 to 500+ pounds. He could just as easily be called bighead, bighands or..well..let's not (as they say) go there. Also there is evidence that he's a nocturnal fellow (much like musicians) and if that's true he would be up and around when about 98% of us were sleeping. Maybe that's why I relate to this guy. He's hairy, he smells bad (according to many accounts) and he lives at night. Is this guy a rock star or what?!! Anyhow here's hoping that if they find him they let him alone. I know what I’m like the morning after a gig. Thank god I’m not 7 ft. tall and 500 lbs. or who knows how many hotel chambermaids I would have thrown thru windows over the years......see you next week....Mike"
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