Posted June 23rd 2003
UGA TOMA PALOOTUK...That, according to my Star Trek dictionary is Klingon for
'how's your onion?' ['Onion' in Klingon is another word for the male organ *
check last weeks' column] The very clever Klingon comeback would be "NOGA
POOKA TAKALONTEEPUK!" which roughly translates to 'strong enough to make
your eyes water!" While we may look down on this as low grade humor, in
the Klingon Empire you'd have 'em on their knees. Which, I guess, leads me to
this weeks' column. I don't want to sound like that complaining pain in the
ass you might have decided to spend your life with but jeezus can you people
ever get enough sex. I mean I like it too but here I am trying to make you laugh
and god forbid I try and throw in a scientific nugget or two [my 'BIGFOOT THRUOGH
THE AGES' column comes to mind] but what do you people want? SEX..SEX..SEX!...IT'S
ALWAYS LIKE 'MIKE DID YOU EVER BANG SHANNON DOHERTY'.. or 'MIKE, WHAT ABOUT
THAT GIRL WHO PLAYED THE SISTER ON FAMILY TIES..DID YOU EVER GET HER?' or 'MIKE,
TELL US WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE SEX.' Well you've finally worn me down. I'm through
hiding the scandalous details of my past. You want it? Well open up cause now
you're going to get it. But don't be surprised if it still leaves you wanting.
After all no matter how much fun I might say it was to 'bang' let's say..Sharon
Stone [she was on the phone the whole time with Morty, her agent--I ended up
helping her get a 6 figure deal], how does that translate into fun for you?
But anyhow if this is the crap you want, I won’t argue. So here they are
in no particular order, the famous people [mostly from the 80’s] I’ve
done it with [ I know you’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition,
but I didn’t know how else to]. Shannon Doherty—cute but very bitchy,
okay I sometimes like rough sex too but she once hit me with a hammer. Another
time she tried to sneak a staple gun into bed. Kathy Lee Gifford---I know what
you’re thinking but this was before she married Gifford. She was actually
kind of a babe back then. The only problem was she liked to sing during sex
and if you’ve ever heard her voice you know what a distraction it was for
me. If only I’d thought of earplugs.
Valerie Bertinelli---okay, I feel a little guilty about this one because we
were touring with Van Halen and she had just married Eddie. But I was drunk
and I think she was …well..unconcious. I seem to remember dressing her
up like a nun. The Spice Girls—Christ, I don’t even remember their
names after all this time; Sporty, Cheesey, Lumpy,--I don’t know, I just
know it was one of the wildest nights of my life.Oprah—I was drunk and
she has a nice voice.Carmen Electra—she was drunk and I have a nice voice.
Mother Theresa—okay this is a tough one to admit, after all when I met
her she was probably at least 75 [although in my defense she could have passed
for 65] but I was in the midst of a panic concerning my possible contraction
of a sexually transmitted disease. Although this turned out not to be true,
at the time I thought it only proper [and hopefully therapeutic] to place my
penis [medical term for the male organ] in a holy place. And honestly, and maybe
this is the hardest to admit—she wasn’t half bad. Lady Di---[before
the car crash, just to shut up you creeps who think my only shot would have
been after] one of the sweeetest lights ever to burn on the planet. She almost
turned Elton John straight that’s the kind of babe we’re talking about.
But unlike her butler, I will say no more. The girl who played the sister on’
Family Ties’—I bet you can’t remember her name either and all
I know is ‘it’ happened but not much else. George Steinbrenners’
wife—That’s right, the wife of the owner of the Yankees baseball team
[otherwise known as the ‘evil empire’]. I found out [through a friend]
that she had a thing for moderately successful rock singers from the Boston
area. You Red Sox fans will be happy to know that I got her to say all kinds
of crazy things while we were going at it[Yankees suck!!…I love Nomar!!]
That woman who does the kid shows on the spanish channel---Ya the blond one
with the short skirt—okay so she made me dress up like a bumble bee and
buzz around the room, but damn, it was worth it! Your mom—okay –I’m
only kidding but that’s what you get when you start looking into other
peoples’ lovelifes. Everyone is someones mother, daughter, or sister…buzzkill..
Damn, maybe we should try mating with another spiecies, then we’d be free
to do the nasty things we must [Tubes].Until next time, keep those window shades
pulled down,….mike
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