Posted June 16th 2003
Hi ya people, Mike here, you there. And as usual I'm sitting here staring blankly
into space wondering what to talk about this week. Take a world full of fascinating
possible topics and add an intelligent and devoted group such as yourselves
and certainly the sky is [as they say] the limit. But I talked about the sky
last week in my informative and [I thought under the circumstances] generally
upbeat column about the upcoming cataclysm that will wipe out all life on the
planet earth. So where do we go from there? The afterlife? Na –too controversial.
Politics? Na --too boring. This week I thought I would play it safe and stick
to something we're all interested in: nicknames for human genitalia. Apparently
there is an unending list of names given by us humans to our nether parts, especially
to the male organ. We've got to start somewhere, so let's go 'down there' and
see what's up.
First of all, no one calls it a penis except your doctor and maybe your mother
when you were little. Penis is a word like rectum, it's never used casually
[when's the last time you called someone a rectum?] and generally, if used at
all, is followed by the words 'burning and itching.' Am I getting too graphic
for you? Come on we're all adults here. Okay let's continue. There are nicknames
that attempt a certain politeness like calling 'it' John Thomas [I think the
Brits started that] or calling it a 'member' like it belongs to a club or something.
Then of course we have the common favorites like cock, prick, dick, and pecker.
After that it starts to get more inventive. You've got the W's- weener, wang
[unfortunately also a computer company] and willy. Or how about boner, crank,
pole [I swear to god that the Red Sox once had a pitcher named Dick Pole] tool,
or just simply, bubba. Then there are people who act like 'it' has its' own
life apart from their body and talk about it in the third person. They call
it 'the big guy' or 'the trouser snake' or even 'the rampant rouser' [sounds
like a hero with a cape in an 18th century novel]. Then there are names that
imply a kind of nobility like 'lance' or names that suggest strength and determination
like 'the intruder' or 'the pile driver.' And let's not forget the names that
hint at either deformity 'the monster' or size 'Shaquille.' Women, on the other
hand, don't seem to have as many nicknames for their private parts and I'm not
exactly sure why. Other than the 'c' word, which I'm even afraid to write never
mind say, they seem to have come up with only one and it's so popular it even
made a James Bond movie [who can forget Pussy Galore]. After that nickname the
field is pretty barren and they sound like names made up by guys. Can you imagine
a women talking about her 'snatch' or worse yet her 'beef curtains'---no I can't
either. Maybe that's the point of this whole thing [pardon that choice of words
if you're reading this aloud], guys are the only ones obsessed enough with body
parts to spend their spare time making up names for them. Well, whatever you
call 'em enjoy 'em but for gods sake when you put the penis near the vagina
USE PROTECTION! See ya next week---mike
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