Posted June 9th 2003
God help us all...'LOOKOUT BABY THERE'S A PLANET COMIN'- an obscure fade line
from an old ELO song, or a true prediction of an earth ending cataclysm? And
how will you be dressed when it happens?
Hello once again fellow travelers it's me, your occasionally paranoid friend,
here to enlighten, enrich, and entertain. Ever wonder how the world will end?
Or who J-lo will be married to when it does? Okay so I've already confused you.
Let me explain. Recently as I was sifting through a particularly huge pile of
fan mail, it struck me as to how different the concerns of males and females
were. And I'm not just talking about plumbing here. Men like the 'History Channel'
and movies where people either screw other people or kill other people [Clint
Eastwood and the Sopranos are two of my favs] while women like the 'Lifetime'
station and makeovers and movies about relationships. Both sides think the other
side is shallow. Men think 'How can you not watch a show about Hitler’s'
dog?' Women think 'Oh my god, look at her. She looks so much better with bangs!'
I must admit that as a guy, some of my past columns have been very much guy-orientated
['Getting A Feel For Breast Implants' comes to mind]. So rather than try to
figure it all out I thought that this week I would try to appeal to both sexes.
So here goes...for you guys who want just enough science to make yourselves
pee...there have been 5 major planetary extintions in the history of our planet...some
have wiped out 95% of all life. For you women who want fairytale romances, Gwen
Stefanni, singer for the band 'No Doubt' recently married the lead singer from
'Bush' [I forget his name] twice! [I didn't forget his name twice, they were
married twice]. Since he lives in London and she lives in L.A., they tied the
knot in both cities!...back to you guys who need a reason to freak, it is estimated
that there may be as many as a thousand 30 kilometer asteroids drifting in and
out of earth’s' orbit...it was probably only a 20 kilometer asteroid that
killed off the dinosaurs...back to you babes, Oprah is now not only the richest
woman on the planet but among the 10 richest humans [and none of it inherited]...to
you dudes...scientists now think that prehistoric times were pretty much like
that 'Flintstones' show, guys rode dinosaurs to work and used smaller ones to
open cans and vacuum floors and stuff...and to you ladies...Madonna once got
so upset at a dancer in one of her videos that she had him castrated and ate
his fried testicles! ...guys...Hitler once spent millions investigating the
possibility of using a large beam-type thing to make the moon fall on North
America...women...J-lo has a big butt yes, but it's on purpose...she's had frog
ass implants injected to give her that large but supple look...I could go on
and on but as a guy I can't get over the recent scientific speculation that
the month of June has been very dangerous to this planet [we pass through an
ancient asteroid belt each June] and I'm wondering if I should call Oprah. Maybe
money can't fix it but at least she'd probably help me get in touch with my
feelings of doom and despair. And I could certainly use a makeover. Here's hoping
we're all still here next week,... Mike
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