Mike Says 30

Hey kiddies it’s uncle Mike, back to weave together some more questionable tales that just might be true. As I’ve said many times in the past, I’ve told so many different stories over the years that even I’m not sure any more what is and isn’t the gods’ honest truth. But before we get to the good stuff, I must take care of some business. First of all, a good time was had by all at the Fools company Christmas party [held of course, as always, in the west wing of the Fools Mansion] but will whoever put the cat poop into the Chex Party Mix please cease and desist from this type of prank. I like a good joke as much as the next guy, but after last years ‘laxative in the rum punch’ trick it was already getting to the point where people approached the food table with the same excitement they would normally save for a mine field or a swimming pool filled with snakes. [and please, whoever you are, don’t take that last part as a suggestion—we like our pool just the way it is]. In any event, we hear that Joe’s’ 82 year old aunt Betty began eating solid food again today so hopefully no serious damage was done………………. And in an unrelated event, I most highly recommend the final chapter in the ‘Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy. This is heroic fantasy at its very best and I loved the movie, in spite of the moron sitting behind me who seemed to have purchased every possible pre wrapped candy treat and found it necessary to slowly unwrap them only in the movies quietest moments. This gave the sound track a distinctly crispy and crackly edge that would have been better suited to movies like The Towering Inferno or anything having to do with tap-dancing [I can’t seem to come up with a good tap-dancing movie right off the top of my head]. Anyhow, go see it —it’s an instant classic. And now finally we get to the good stuff. I’m about to address an issue that is probably long overdue in the minds of many of you. It’s something I’ve been asked about quite often over the years and I feel I can dodge an answer no longer. Yes, it’s the Tommy Lee Jones thing. When it started happening about 20 years ago [people either saying I looked like him or, in some cases, even asking if I was him] I didn’t take it seriously. Frankly 20 years ago I was more famous than him so who cared. But in the interim times as well as fortunes have changed until now he is one of the more well known people on the planet and I am…well…not. And to be honest, our resemblance [which at one time I couldn’t see] has now become even more pronounced to the point where I was stopped last year in Amsterdam by a man who pointed at me and yelled “MEN IN BLACK!!!MEN IN BLACK!!!”

When I tried to run away from this lunatic it only made it worse and I was soon being pursued by the full demographic of Tommy Lee’s audience; old people from Milwaukee, French art students, and other people who probably just joined in the chase because they thought I’d stolen someone’s wallet. Since that day I no longer wear sunglasses in public [unless of course I’m in for a good 100 yard dash] because it seems to stimulate the T.L.J. nut-whacks who would think it nothing to run me to death like a deer in the name of their devotion. Jeezus how does this guy do it? I freely admit that he is one of the better actors of our time but we’re not talking Brad Pitt here in the looks department. Maybe the truth of the matter is that we are all so obsessed with celebrities [let’s be honest–they really are better than us aren’t they] that seeing them in the flesh makes us all cuckoo. But what do they really do? They act, or sing, or do something very clever publicly that we can’t do. And for that we adore them. But damn, I know [for instance] a carpenter who can make some incredible pieces of furniture. What would it be like if people followed him to and from his work place just hoping to catch a glimpse, or better yet, what if he had an audience cheering his every hammer whack [as you can tell by that last term, I’m not a carpenter]? Okay,okay –I get it–I know it’s different. But the next time you see a celebrity, whether it’s Brad Pitt or Tommy Lee or someone like me hoping to god you don’t think it’s him, just say “Hey-how you doin'” and then just keep walking. This is essentially what you would do for anyone you hardly know..Adios amigos,.Mikey Lee Jones

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